Today, the last hope we had of our baby being healthy died.
The pediatric cardiologist spent almost 2 hours examining the heart of our baby boy. From the beginning, it was evident that it was not a healthy heart. Only 3 of the 4 chambers were pumping blood. The other chamber looked like a knot of scar tissue. B could tell almost from the first picture that it wasn't right, but we both were hoping that the defect would be something that our child could live with.
It isn't.
The doctor laid out our choices and the odds the baby would survive with the necessary surgeries. Even though the odds were better than we thought, our baby would still lead a life of sickness and pain.
Until the third surgery, our son would not be getting enough oxygen. His developing brain would be starved of the fuel it needed to function properly. Three years. It would be three years before he would get the oxygen he needed to be healthy. Who knows what damage that would cause?
Even if all the surgeries were successful, our son would be on blood pressure medication for his entire life. While this isn't the end of the world, it is a problem in a society where healthcare is not guaranteed. It is quite possible that when our son is young and starting out, he would not be able to get health insurance coverage. Especially with a pre-existing condition.
In addition, the doctor indicated that it would be likely that he would still need a heart transplant at some point in adulthood. Since the earliest survivors of this defect are only in their early 20's, it is impossible to tell when that may be. But, from what we understand, transplanted hearts only last 15 years at most. Best case scenario, our child might make it to 30 before their re-engineered heart finally gave up.
But, what really makes us think that letting him go is the best option is the first surgery. It would be over a month before we could hold our child. It would be over a month before he could taste his mother's milk. For a month, he would know nothing but pain and confusion. The doctor told us that he would even need to be taught how to eat because he wouldn't be allowed to eat due to the necessities of surgery.
That is no life for a baby.
So, we are going to let him go. We will grieve. We will remember. We will always love our little boy. Even though we will never get to see him play, we will never see him grow, he will always be in our hearts.
So we hope there is a Heaven. Someplace where a kind soul can take our son by the hand and show him how much we loved him and why we had to let him go. We hope someday to meet him, hold him close and finally be able to tell him we love him.
It's all we can do now.
